Friday, January 14, 2011

"He sure knows how to pick em' "

Straight the fuck up honestly I'm about to completely re-evaluate my dating habits. I have a black cloud over my shit i swear, i meet some of the most chemically imbalanced batshit crazy idiots EVARRR!!!! I really need to break it down for this one...................

*INHALES*

1. Psycho Bitch#1 (Benzos, Booze and Boo-Hoo's) - My Snowbunny calls me late at 4:30am higher than a giraffe's pussy off of alcohol, and X. Her speech sounds like a Chopped and Screwed Craig Mack song on warped ass vinyl, I'm trying to make out what she's talking about but it's like Eddie Murphy described when he stated that foreigners try to do his comedy routines....all i understand out of the conversation is "bitch" "fuck me" "my pussy" and "I looooooove youuuuuu!!", and then in a tale about her ex-boyfriend she starts crying out of nowhere, i mean like seriously bawling uncontrollably on some emotional Tourette's shit......bruh I'm seriously at a loss for words, but me being who i am I'm gonna make lemonade out of lemons and probably get some head from her on Monday when she comes back into town.......ok i confess I might splack her also depending on how faded i am.

2. Psycho Bitch#2 (low budget Fatal Attraction) - I don't understand what she wants to hear. From the jump i told her I ain't about shit and that i just want some ass and that box of Peanut Butter Cap N' Crunch she had on the refridgerator (i said this in those exact words) but after a sumptuous meal at Waffle House and watching reruns of The Middle and 30 minutes of pipe laying after wards you're holding my hand like we just jumped the got-damn broom.....to quote my homie Cold Step "You crazy as fuck shawty".....

3. Psycho Bitch#3 (Rubix Cube Hoe) - She was such a cutie....looked like the typical Cheerleader and she worked at Macy's. I had this nutcase flag me down when i was at Macy's looking for a Polo shirt to go with my Ralph Lauren shoes that i got on sale. She starts talking and was really really cute, but as soon as she got my number she switched on some Jekyll and Hyde shit. She starts talking about her kids and I'm thinking "you didn't mention those lil' muthafuckas when you were oogling me and pressing your tits up against my chest". And then she proceeds to tell me about how she almost stabbed her ex-boyfriend and after hearing that I'm trying to find the best excuse to leave the situation and lose the shit out of her number. Eventually i saw her again at Macy's.....(bitch had me so shook i started taking the scenic route) she asked why i never called her and i explained about how i got back with my girlfriend and how my mommy doesn't let me date anymore. All this time she was looking for Daddy DayCare and a got-damn simp.......I'm neither.....no pussy is worth stab wounds and child support.


In closing, i just wonder how in the fuck do i meet these weirdos? They possess no redeeming qualities whatsoever (but shit i might just have to borrow a Benzo from Psycho Bitch#1) and i keep meeting the same descriptions in different females. I'm about ready to say fuck it and start dating Asian chicks or something Hell i speak decent Chinese (thanks Clark Atlanta U). In the meantime i think youtube has great representations of the psychos i normally meet so here goes.

Psycho Bitch#1


Psycho Bitch#2


Psycho Bitch#3

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

God Bless You Alison Brie

Honestly if i could find a clone of this lady (at least for a weekend) I'd be a happy man. Alison Brie could have my light skinned baby plus she's nutty as all get out (I'll be doing a later blog on my favorite females with an odd sense of humor)......and let's just keep it real here her titties are the type of hooters that would make you crash in traffic. Hell they're so nice they might have the capability to make me act decent for 3 days (tops). They're not too big and not too small they're just right, Ms. Brie we salute you and your jugs and your quirkiness!